A coward's loss

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 I lost you somewhere in the thin air, at a place where we were supposed to meet was where I lost you for my life.

I still think about those collective plans, the places we wanted to see together, the things we had on our list. But a person like me did not deserve a person like you. A brave human with heart full of love and courage, who would fight all sort of calamities to save what was ours. Someone who had always protected me from myself. And here I was, a person full of darkness and grief who never knew how to truly be happy. A person who contributed nothing more than self-hate and doubts, someone who never believed someone could love them with all their heart. Someone who would tell people off for loving her because, I would think, "Why would they?"

OH! how could I love you when I didn't love myself. I pushed you away a million times but there you were holding on to me like that thin rope that wont let one fall down the ravine. My best friend when I had lost all my reason, standing alongside me through all the madness I had to endure and bearing all the drama I had to offer. I told you that you were never there for me, but you were. You were always there. You always had been the one who shielded me. But how could I see with my blinded eyes.

Then one day, when we had to fight together, I held back in fear. I stood back, when you were fighting the world for me. I was quiet. Did not do much. I was too afraid to utter as much as a single word. I couldn't fight, I did not know how to.. And in the end, when we fell. I made you responsible for the fall. A coward's move, indeed. 

Sometimes, I would think to myself. Had I been a little brave that day, it would have been a different life. 'could, would, wish', a coward's talk it is, I know. But whatelse can a coward do? Other than fantasizing about the idealities. Ignoring the present, living a past in the their idealized situations, never ready for the real life.

My dearest bravest friend, now that you are gone I have realized what I had, lost and will probably never find. In the end, it was my loss, It had always been mine, never yours. 


_A coward's loss indeed.

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Comments

  1. The Shadow15 January 2023 at 16:35

    it's true that we never know when we will lose someone. This can happen at any time and in any place. In this case, when it happens to us and we don't have anyone around who can help us through this difficult moment, then we should remember all the things we had shared with each other over the years so that we can keep the memory alive for ourselves. After all, life goes on even after our loved ones pass away! but get some rest if you need it, and know that there are people who care about you, who love you even though we all have our own griefs at times.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ayesha Khan17 January 2023 at 16:50

    Ikr❤

    ReplyDelete

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