Penpals

 Someone I keep waiting for. Someone I keep telling myself will come one day and may be show my life to the completion I so desire. A person who will never leave, my forever person_ My Person. Someone God made just for me. Someone flawed in the places I love. Someone who will fill the gaps in me. A breath of fresh air on the brazen hot days of this weary life. Someone who makes you fall in love with the feeling of love and life itself.  On some of my worst days, I would just close my eyes and call out to him in my heart, "I know you're out there somewhere. And I know that you yearn for me the same way I do for you. I know I will find you someday." and sometimes I swear I could feel him answering back to me. Other times he seems like mirage I keep running after but he keeps running away from me. I run and I run but there's still no sight of him. But somehow I still keep wondering in this endless miserable desert of life.  But then, isn't it good that he is so far a...

Sometimes I pretend to be all grown up and moved on with life but truth is I still miss you. Your innocence, your uncontrollable laughter, your big ideas about life. How you would jump out of excitement when you would encounter change. How happy you would become when you met new people, telling them about all the stories you knew, new and old. How you would dance in the rain. How you would get over things that were meant to hurt you. How you loved people. How you never noticed the flaws with in them, instead you saw beauty.  I still remember the days when you would talk to animals, flowers, the moon and the stars. I still remember how you would weave your dreams, day and night and the plans you made. How with every defeat and betrayal you still saw the best in people. you would make yourself believe that you could move mountains if you put yourself upto it. How you waited for that one human to show up_your person. But nothing went as you planned, people changed on and on again. The...

  Life has been a little rough lately. I had to choose a lot and make some very important decisions. Which got me thinking about the fact how at some point in your life you have to give up on certain thigs that are a part of your identity to achieve things that have been you dreams since the time you started to understand the meaning to the word dream. Its like losing a piece of yourself to create another. Not knowing whether the other one is gonna fit or not. A bittersweet feeling of inevitable loss and a new beginning.  The feeling of uncertainty of whether you should move forward with your life or turn around. So you stop for a moment and wait for your past to hug you from behind but then there is no-one ever coming to hold your hand and stop you. In that moment, you realise that all those people you tried to please all these years wee not your people to begin with and you had wasted you precious time and emotions filling a cracked pot that had been leaking all along. So, y...

"You will always be a scaredy cat sucking up to the shit they throw in your face.", she told herself wipping away tears from her flushed face, wishing she was one of those heartless people who could stomp upon everyone's heart like it was no big deal. Sometimes she wished she could scream right in their faces, the people who looked at her with disgust, spoke to her in angry tones as if insinuating her of her existence.  Every step she made, every word she said, she was judged and ridiculed for, no matter how hard she would think before doing it or saying it. No matter how much love she poured upon them or how hard she tried to get their attention, the only attention she ever got was that of disgust. She would always think to herself, "Everything is gonna change one day________or will it not?" With mixed feelings of a determination and doubt, she would pass her days lonely. Quietly working upon her life and herself. Until one day she became someone. Someone who e...

  Why is it that some people always have to ask for love? Why is it that everyone is so reluctant too shy towards afew but be showering their love upon others? Begging someone for a little love in this vast deserted life. Do they not know how difficult it is to keep your ego aside and ask for a little love, a few words of compassion. And how we hate ourselves little by little after having to have asked for something people get in bundles.  People say there is someone for everyone. Someone who would help you lift yourself up, love yourself and grow as person. And you see everyone having that someone when you are stumbling upon temporary people shamelessly asking for a little love. Oh! how it makes you lose the little respect you have for yourself. So you try to keep away the next time. Pressing yourself, clenching your heart just to preserve your dignity. But you lose, don't you? And you go back to the toxic cycle of love and hate and people gaslighting you. With every ignore ...

 Its was August the 20th when the first wilted leaf of autumn fell in her garden. There was something about the sad atmosphere of Autumn. With every passing minute every colour she liked faded away. And with every fading colour her heart wilted away. She mourned the blossoms she lost, the birds that chirped on her balcony every morning, and the warm and fresh breeze of spring. She missed everthing about it. It was the only season she had known. She had forgotten about the others lost in the beautiful utopia of the "everything pretty season". She had never dreaded Autumn. She had never thought it would come. So when she the wilt appeared she never gave it much thought but when the breeze turn to gusts and and the blossoms started to wither, she realized that it would be soon when all the remnants of the spring will be gone. Even the little things that reminds her of that one beautiful season that she loved once.  Moments passed. Seconds turned to minutes minutes to days and da...

 I lost you somewhere in the thin air, at a place where we were supposed to meet was where I lost you for my life. I still think about those collective plans, the places we wanted to see together, the things we had on our list. But a person like me did not deserve a person like you. A brave human with heart full of love and courage, who would fight all sort of calamities to save what was ours. Someone who had always protected me from myself. And here I was, a person full of darkness and grief who never knew how to truly be happy. A person who contributed nothing more than self-hate and doubts, someone who never believed someone could love them with all their heart. Someone who would tell people off for loving her because, I would think, "Why would they?" OH! how could I love you when I didn't love myself. I pushed you away a million times but there you were holding on to me like that thin rope that wont let one fall down the ravine. My best friend when I had lost all my r...

  Dear Bully, Thank you. For all the times you made me aware of the tiny flaws in my being. Flaws that i had not created, flaws i could not remove. Thank you, for choosing just the perfect words to hurt me in a subtly cruel way.  For you, it might have been a moment, a few words, a conversation but to me, it costed me a life full of insecurities. Trying my best to hide them. Always feeling like the entire world saw me that way. Because of those few words of yours, i stopped appreciating myself. And started to look for validation from others.  I thought may be someone would tell me the exact opposite of what you had told me. But then when someone did tell me that. It was hard for me to accept it. So, Thanks to you for making it hard for me to believe in the good within me.  But then, thank you for making me the tough person that i am. I can't say i respect you. I can not make myself respect you, ever.  But if it wasn't for people like you, people like me would...

  All your life you kept on believing people hate you. They dont see you worthy. They don't welcome you when you're trying so hard to fit in. When it was not them all along. It was always you who didn't like yourself. YOU, who didn't see yourself worthy.   So you worked twice as hard as others, trying to please others because that was the only way you'd ever please yourself. You thought if you could make people happy, you could be happier yourself. When all it did was cost you your peace and happiness. Giving a piece of you a day everyday gave noting in return but a space so big even a galaxy wont fill in.  BUT was it worth it? Was it worth losing yourself. Because it ended up wounding you  anyways. If anything it cut you even deeper. Hurt you even more. So nobody was happy in the end, not you, not them, noone. You never chose yourself. Never loved yourself. When it always had to be you. You had to love you  you had to choose you. So how were you ever gonna b...

This world seemed utopic the moment they met. The moon was shining a bit brighter and the sky was studded with stars that night. The breeze was gentle carrying the scent of roses from a garden near by. Everything ordinary appeared extra beautiful.  Its was love at first sight... They waited for hours, days and months to get to see each other again wondering what the other person was doing. Were they in love with them as much. Or had they already forgotten them. Impatient to talk to eachother.  Fate worked in their favour finally.  A new story began : The Spring:   They saw gardens and sunset and birds and buterflies, held hand and heard together the nature's songs. The Summer :  It was a blazing season that year but even the heat had nothing to hold infront of their passion. They thought they kill for one another. But sometimes they would argue so much so someone might have thought they could kill each other. The Autumn :  Everything started to fall apart. ...

What's holding you back? A little promise made a long time ago? A promise made by someone who probably doesn't even remember it himself? Someone who has shoved you off the hill a million times for their own convenience. You were there, when they chose to unsee your existence. Oh how it broke your heart, as you watched that once so familiar pass you by. and that little amount of time you felt so far apart. A little tear swimming in the bounds of your eyes, cause you were so afraid of someone seeing it. Your weary heart trying to keep with the erratic breathing of chest. You knew them as much as they claimed you didn't. and you loved them even more than that.  How you longed to go back in the time just to live those little moments full of happiness once again and how you wished to relive them over and over again and how you prayed you could have avoided the situation that ended in them leaving you altogether. How you cursed yourself for all the wrong in you. How much you w...

A heartache so severe it broke his heart in two. But so familliar and addiciting that the scars were not a few. Heart broken and mended in the similar spot a million times.  A vicious cycle of hurt and happiness. He had become addicted to. Causing storms in the calm sea for a little thrill_some adrenaline. Intentionally causing thunders become so eratic, it hit him in the heart and broke it in two. The storm usually calmed after that. And the reparative phase would begin a little rain and a little sun shine followed by tiny little blossoms and chirping of the birds. But soon he would get too used to it waiting for the storm to begin soon.  He was addicited to the hurt. The lonely dessert of broken hearts had become his home. He visited the sunny beach and the green oasis, in the neighbourhood, every now and then, but he longed to be here in the end, all by himself_ Alone. May be it was a scared little part of him. Reminding him a fearful memory from the past where he was left ...

So you say, you loved them and so you wanted to protect it from all the bad that had happened to you. You wanted them to not scar in the spots as you. You didn't want them to shed tears on their pillows every night. But that made you grow, didn't it. Thats what matured you. Thats what made you in the person you are today. And don't you think you would most likely repeat the same mistakes in again, given the chance?   Then why do you think halting someone's most needed experience in the process of growth is loving? Do we all not break our hearts once or twice? Do we all not yearn for something so bad, something that we end up losing? Do we all not get tired every night after a long day of running after things that are never ours? Do we all not cry every night or a night every week or month over the things that made our hearts ache? But then did we not learn from it? Did we not learn how to heal our hearts? Did we not learn how to give up our most precious belongings for ...

  Why do we feel like telling people lies? Why do we create a fake persona we are uncomfortable with? And in order to keep that persona, we keep on losing the things and people who are close to our hearts. But then we move ahead finding new people, people who love us so dearly. But just when we think our life is going smooth, every perfection remids us of the past and we feel like we're stuck in it. Its like no matter how fast we run we can't get rid of it. It has become a part of us. We lowkey wish that this one day we would open our eyes and find out that it was just a bad, bad dream. And you would just flip the coins. And abandon fake for whats real. But would we really do that? If we get the chance of going back into our pasts, will we be to do it? Or the question shall be, can't we do that now? Why can't we really break through the hard shell of fakeness and come out naked with our truths? Why does it have to be wishing for going into the past or future to do that...

Did you say yes to a 'little job' again when you were yourself quite busy and didn't wanna upset your friend, but then that little thing turned out to be 2 days worth of a job and made you lag behind on a lot of work? But when you asked the same person you ran an errand for you, seeing that they were free, they denied. Did it hurt you? But is that their fault? NO.  They had every right to put their comfort before everything and so do you! You should also learn to say it sometimes when you need to. In order to please others you somehow lose your individuality and in the process it also normalizes for others to boss you around. And when you have finally had it and say No it is gonna upset them because up until then they would have become accustomed to you agreeing with them. Now, no-one is asking you to be rude and say NO and disagree with whatever you hear. But contradict with fair sense to what is wrong or what you think is right. Or when you thin...

Why Do You Care About What Others Think? Every day there is a constant thought on every person's mind, consciously or unconsciously, how are people perceiving me? How do they perceive me? when someone stares at you hair for too long. you have this constant urge to fix them. when someone tell you we have gained weight you would constantly take a look at ourselves in the mirror.  Any human would do anything to get appraised by others. Wearing the trendiest clothes, living up to their standards,. they would do all sorts of struggles to to get accepted into society. putting behind their real happiness. Running after approval from others.  But do people really think about what we do, or how we look? or how we're doing? Have you ever thought what if everyone is wondering the same thing? What if everyone's mind is occupied with the same thought? Every human mind works the same way. Everyone is looking for approval. They probably wont even give a second thought...

Why is it so difficult to cry sometimes? Why are the people who cry or show emotions considered weak? Sadness is a just as human emotion as happiness. Then why do people take expressing sad emotions as weak? What is this stigma associated with sadness, anxiety and depression? I believe, crying and showing sad and dark emotions is rather brave . And if you happen to find the right person to show them to, you might even b ecome happy. Sadness isn't bad, crying isn’t bad at all pretending to be happy is.  Sadness is just an emotion we feel as a reaction to our treatment by others. Stop putting that happy face on all the time (which takes a lot of inner strength as well). But trust me being vulnerable sometimes feels good. Its good let a few tears roll down your cheeks.  While it might appear difficult to make someone understand your tears, try it. You may find answers, and a true friend who would stick by your side forever. With that, collect someone...

Does our fam affect our mindset? They say:         "Society moulds a man." We will start by an example of two kids raised in different families. One family is highly protective of the kid and does whatever it requires to make him stop crying. When this kid grows up he will have developed the habit of been taken care of and getting whatever he wishes either by will or by force. Hard-work becomes an obsolete idea.  On the other hand, the other family also takes care of their kid but instead say No when needed. And rewards the kid with an occasional treats when he does something good. In this process, where the kid learns the difference between good and bad , he also learns to work hard .  Now, when these kids grow up and are faced with same problem. Both are gonna react differently . The former is more likely to panic and not know how to handle it while latter more probably will know how to handle the situation .  Kids who are...

A JOURNEY TOWARDS THE LIGHT: S omehow, we have all been through those difficult times when everything seems so  heavy, unmanageable and tiring.  It becomes difficult for us to smile . Life seems nothing but a burden that has to be carried around without any gains. We have everyone around us yet we feel so alone. Nothing seems to bring us pleasure. with every wrong happening we feel like being pushed into that blue world , of fears and cries , more and more. WE ASK OURSELVES: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME ONLY? AM I BEING PSYCHOTIC OR SOMETHING OR WHAT? So the answer is:   NO ,YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FACING IT NOR ARE YOU BEING PSYCHOTIC ! The  fact is that the world we are living in is just as good and merciful as it seems bad and evil. You just need the right eye to see that. But first of all you need to get rid of these negative emotions. There is no one that can help you out of that depressed and anxious state of mind bu...